My Life in Fast Motion

It's been awhile hasn't it blog? Ya I suppose. My life has been going so fast lately between school and working everyday I haven't had a chance for a decent rest. Hell where do I even start? Well GameStop job is going awesomely and I had to work a midnight again but it was fun and my boss likes me. Been training new people and it's a tad bit tougher than I had thought it to be. I've made alot of good friends through GameStop so far and it's nice to have recurring customers I can recognize, it feels good to be working again.

When It comes to the Lady situation it's still the same, I'm just looking out for the one girl to come my way or perhaps my way to come to the one girl. I'm in no rush anymore though. I've mostly just been working on better relationships with friends, and reconnecting with older friends. It's amazing how many people from High School come in and say "I didn't know you were working here!" it feels good to have friends and people who still remember you from times long ago.

My music interests have slipped back into a little Dashboard Confessional along with Rhett Miller and The Weakerthans. It feels like a good sign to me because music reflects my mood heavily I'm headed back to indy and alternative, lol. I couldn't live life without my music, I mean who could though really?

Well I just wanted to write something and make it known of how my life is going, and where it is going. Man I'm hungry for some pizza.

My Lonliness

So today I was woken up by a txt message from a girl I went out on a date with, which seems happy right? Well she had left her phone somewhere the last few days so we had not talked much, so I was happy to hear from her. A few txt messages later she tells me of how we won't be able to see each other anymore because she will be wokring with her father on a second shift and her grandma is in really bad condition. So here I am. Back to the same situation I was in 2 weeks ago.

Alone.

My Good Start

I couldn't be happier about this week. It's monday and I just got done calling Gamestop about my application and was set up with an interview. It's wednesday at 2, man I'm excited about that.

Tomorrow I have a date with a beautiful, smart, and wonderful girl. We're just going to eat at my grandmas but either way it should be fun.

I should go more into depth about both of these. I was told last monday to call into gamestop about my application. So I have spent an entire week waiting in aniticpation of calling and hoping for something good. Now thanks to being patient I have an interview.

I had spent all saturday hanging out with this girl at her graduation party. It ended around 11 and I ended up staying til around 12:30. Which was cool because she is fun to hang out with and a joy to be around. It being so late of course I had to leave soon but she walked me to my car and when we got there I decided to ask her out. Despite being nervous as hell I did my best and she accepted and then we talked for another 5 minutes until she had to go back. It was definately a good day.

My life had seemed pretty crappy until this week. If I get this job and things stick with this girl I couldn't imagine being happier. All I can do is hope for the best and do my best. It would be a great job and an amazing girl.

My Shot At Love/My Dilemma

So today I plan on going to this one girl's grad party. She is really cool and I'm pretty sure we bothhave a crush on each other. I plan on asking her out before I leave. I've asked her out before but her schedule was so packed we were never able to do anything. She is really cool and really nice, so I think I would enjoy dating her. If she accepts then I would be amazingly happy and pretty sure I could fly. But what would we do together? Where would we go? This is the least of my problems.

The real problem with all this is what happens to the girl I've been crushing on for like 2 years? I would defintely want to be with her. Sometimes I feel like the chance of her feelings being the same as mine are slim so I tend to have backup plans. Which may sound horrible to say a person is my backup plan, but who hasn't like 2 people at once?

Anyways I need to shower and get ready for my busy day.

Play Me off Keyboard Cat!

My Fifteen Dollars/My Sweet Side

Today I was pleased at getting fifteen dollars from my brother from wjhat he owes me. This fifteen dollars already knew it's purpose.

1. Movie Ticket (The Hangover)
2. Caffinated Drink(s)

Sad that these are the things I can't almost say 100% it will be spent on.

I was saddened even more to find out that my friend would not have the money to go see a movie with me! Too bad I was looking forward to a good man-date (no homo). So today i've just kind of lazied my life away. I've spent all of it listening to the Shaimus albums I have, and hopefully someone will want to hang out tonight.

So last night I messaged the girl I've known for 3 years only to find out it was her best friend logged onto her account. Which isn't a problem I've talked to her before and she seems to really like me. She says that her friend needs a good guy and she would be thrilled to see her with me! :) Thats always something to smile about, she's really cool and I'm glad she thinks I'm right for her friend.

Today I've spent alot of time looking at the pictures on my wall of my Mom. I look at them and wonder whether she would approve of how I am doing and if she would be proud of me. Most people would say of course she is proud and etc., but it still doesn't replace the feeling of hearing her say it. I suppose I have never been right since her death, developing insomnia, awkwardness, and a fear of closeness. People that knew me before and after say I have become a better person after it all the girl I mention above time to time asks how I stayed such a sweet person through it all. I suppose I've never really had a solid answer to that question. But I suppose it would sound something like this. Even with tragedy around me I must know I need to be the better person. I have to be some kind of guide for people who have yet to deal with such a thing. Because if I had come out cynical and crazy I would be no help to anyone. I want to be able to help all those around me, and if it means swallowing my pain for a bit to help someone else then so be it.

Sory for the incoherent rambling. It's how I do

My Early Morning Blog

I decided to watch a few Scrubs episodes today. Man Zach Braff really can wrap a life lesson into any final five minutes of an episode. Two episodes in particular really got me. My TCW where he ends it saying "Nothing sucks more than being alone, no matter how many people are around." Man that is pretty good for me ever since my last girlfriend. I've been talking to plenty of women and been on a few dates but nothing so far has seemed to stick. This weekend I plan to hang out with a girl I've known since senior year. She is cute and a really cool person so I hope that works out. I am very lonely, and quite tired of it.

A great rant comes to mind from Zach Braff ending with "The only thing that gives me comfort is when I'm sitting home alone staring at the ceiling just wishing I had someone to talk to is knowing that none of you realize how lucky you are" I look at everyone around and most of them are very lucky and have someone. I would give anything to have someone there laying with me atleast it would help me fall asleep.

Another ending that seemed to stick was from My Cold Shower, in which JD realizes he should be proposing to Elliot. At the end he says "It should of been me," which makes me think of plenty of times I've had the feeling of "It should of been me." It's crazy to think I can already look back on my life so far and think it.

I spent some of my day hanging out with my friends girlfriend. It was fun and it's always a blast to hang out with her. Then headed out with a buddy to watch and MST3K, once I get a damn job I am buying that Mitchel vs. Rowsdower t-shirt. After that I sat at my computer pondering on blogging and playing some video games. Instead I cruised some forums for a laugh and then blogged.

Saturday is graduation for the '09 class which is cool since I know some people in it. I am mainly going for the girl I mentioned above. After that I am going to her house to hangout with her at her grad party and plan on asking her out on a date. Perhaps to see a movie... Or is that to cliche? Sad thing is I have 2 women on the mind and I'm not sure how either of them will work out. Both of these girls are cute and awesome. Both of them are pretty good friends, but I know who I would choose over anyone any day.

I am getting closer and closer to 20, I'm starting to feel old since it felt like just a few years ago I was back on Felician St. hanging out with ghetto friends and friends passed. Looking back I try to pick out the best moments of my life but it's hard, everything about my life has been hard. Memories riddled with fighting parents, frightened to walk to school alone, and all the death around me. I feel bad now... Whenever someone dies around me or someone loses someone close to them I feel kind of numb. Since I was 16 I've been to 5 funerals, I've spent my time visiting graves and crying. To tell the truth I just feel worn out, when one of my good friends died I watched everyone around me cry while I sat there no tears on my face and a stoic look. I had been there too many times to want to go through the steps and watch myself fall apart all over again.

Anyways I should lay down and try to sleep. I'm sure I'll be up in a few hours wishing to be asleep.

So far today...

Well my day has started off as most any other.

1. Woke Up
2. Computer (Facebook, Gmail, CO, and finally uploaded my pic with god)
3. Did some laundry and plans on the dishes being done soon
4. Now sitting in underwear reading forums\
5. Signed up for AdSense to make some spare cash

I was informed for the first time today that my family is going camping for fathers day. I really have no intention of going because camping gets kind of boring with family. I just always find it mind boggling that they don't address me about stuff like that. Alot of the time I feel univinted to most gatherings with my parents. Since they have church friends and stuff they invite me but I always say no. But fathers day is kind of a different thing this time.

Not sure what I have to do today or what I plan on doing. After I shower I will probably throw down some Counter-Strike: Source and maybe Natural Selection. I'm quite a loser on a day-to-day basis, playing video games and wasting plenty of time.

I'm suppose to call gamestop monday about my application which sounds pretty good and the guy seemed too really like me! (no homo) So hopefully I will have a job soon and I can just waste all my money on video games since I would have a discount now!

Either way I should get around to those dishes.

3:40 and On With the Show

Insomnia has me again. I would like to sleep but simply couldn't if I tried. Right now I'm thinking of a pretty special girl but I feel like this about the whole situation:

"So I look in your direction
But you pay me no attention
And you know how much I need you
But you've never even seen me"

It's not that she has never seen me, it's more she has never seen me in this light. Which is okay, I'm not going to lose sleep over it. First I would have to fall asleep for that to happen. I kinda blew my friends off to talk to her too, Haha.

This being my first blog I can't think of a single thing important enough to put in here. Other than my name was kind of random I've been listening to the "Too Fast For Love" album by Motley Crue and I feel bad for Frankie and Suzy.

Anyways there aren't many things I have to say in here about much of anything really. I went to my first concert this summer which turned into such a stroke of luck. I emt some really cool people at the show and also met Nine Inch Nails. They were a nifty bunch of people, but the bassist was pretty weird. I also saw Dave Navarro take his shirt off before the second song of his set started. Tom Morello was about 10-15 ft. infront of me which was awesome. He has been my favorite guitarist for a long time now, his riffs speak like revolutions in my ears.

I still don't think my parents get the idea of me being an Atheist. They are always inviting me to church and asking if I want to go to bible study from time to time or get involved. I always say no but i guess they think one time it will change, but it won't. I guess I've been an atheist since my Mom hard to accept any higher power with all the tragedy that sorrounds me. Having no after life does'nt scare me and I don't need some diety to push all my good/bad luck onto. I haven't out right said to my parents that I am an Atheist because I feel it would actually stop them from loving me as much. I shouldn't even say parents really, it's just my dad really I don't care much about my Stepmom and the feeling is mutual. She is an absolute crazy Christian who hates gays/lesbians and has an absolutely ridiculous view of the religon/world. I personally pick fights with her about religon to give myself a chuckle. My dad is okay about religon and he likes to help people which is nice and it makes him happy which makes me happy that he is happy. Whenever I think of church and religon I think of Testify by RATM.

"Your temple it calms me
So I can carry on"

I always have though of church as an opiate to the masses and have never enjoyed listening to someone ramble on about a prophet.

So anyways I've known this girl for 3 years and I'm absolutely crazy about her. I can't think of a single thing I don't like about her. My friends said they thought she always had a thing for me one of the even going far enough to say "I know it sounds cheezy but I just saw it in her eyes." Which is cheesy as fuck but I always felt kind of a connection with her. Which is always a good thing, haha. Anyways I hope she doesn't read this she will probably think I'm crazy. I feel bad for her because she always gets the raw deal :( she deserves to be happy and her best friend thought she would be happy with me, haha. But either way I plan to tell her when I hang out with her and she what she thinks. If she does then awesome, but if not then it's ok as long as her and I are friends I'm ok. She is really cute and beautiful, haha, I get a big smile thinking about her lol. Anways enough crazy talk about that.

I think I should atleast lay down. Maybe I'll fall asleep or maybe I'll be awake in an hour and back on the computer plaing bejeweled. As for this blog I can see many of these becoming a stream of conciousness thing. I've never been good with grammar and punctuation so please don't let it discourage you from reading this.

Anyways On With the Show